Abject Terror

Oh Joy. Leaking. :/

Movement!

I think. Maybe.

I’m currently 17 weeks +4 and for the last week or so I’ve been feeling a strange ‘bubble’ move across my abdomen when I’m sitting down for a while. 

Everyone says “It feels just like gas at first”. Sorry, but I’ve never had gas at the front. That seems a little unhealthy to be honest :/

Heard the baby’s heart beat at the midwives on Wednesday. And lots of extra thumps which apparently mean it’s kicking like a crazy thing.

Also struggling to sleep, oh joy, as if sleep-deprivation post-baby isn’t enough torture

-.-

Ah well, back to devouring fruit mentos.

14 weeks and two days

So I’ve had my first scan and it was the strangest thing I’ve ever experienced. I was so nervous before we went in, like I was going to a job interview or something. The nurse performing the ultrasound didn’t seem very friendly at first, but once the machine was running and my abdomen was covered in goo she warmed up a bit.

I really don’t know how to describe seeing my baby up on that screen for the first time. He or she was all curled up, hands by its face squeezing open and shut. Part of me wanted to cry, but I ended up laughing. I can feel tears welling up just thinking about it, which makes me feel daft.

I think it really made me realise how real the baby is now, there’s no denying it’s there! I don’t think I feel like a mum yet, but I definitely feel different.

Cutest thing ever? The daddy reading my pregnancy book like I asked him too. So sweet. <3

Just call me the cautionary whale…

Quite pleased that I had the opportunity to use this phrase so early on in my pregnancy, it made aunty (on the father’s side) giggle quite a lot.

Still scared today, mainly of my hideous clumsiness and falling headlong down the stairs. I’ve been thinking quite a lot about when to tell various people. I’m pretty sure my mum needs to know now, I know she’s going to be absolutely livid, but I really need her support.

Maybe we can watch Juno together and I’ll just sort of ease it into the conversation…

And if you’re interested, aunty’s blog is over this a-way

Symptoms

I really don’t like the word “symptoms” in relation to pregnancy, it’s vaguely unpleasant. My baby isn’t a disease that needs to be diagnosed. Inside me there’s a person growing, one who currently is making my uterus feel somewhat like a hot-air balloon slowly filling up.

The signs and effects of pregnancy I find a little reassuring. I may be forging into the unknown, but it’s what my body is designed for, and I’m far from alone. Knowing that I’m becoming a mother… That I am a mother, is scarying me more than anything ever has, but I wont resent my child for my nausea, fatigue and frequent urination.

I’ve made my choices, now I have to try my hardest to accomodate this tiny being inside me. Rather than treat it like some sort of invader, as society seems to want me to.

Week 4, or 5, or possibly 6…

So let me explain. I’m expecting. Unplanned and unexpected, but not  in any way unwanted.

I am terrified, mainly of being a bad mother, a bad role-model. Will I do something hideously wrong during my pregnancy that my child will suffer for? Will I be unable to bond with it once it’s born, always seeing it as some kind of outsider? Maybe It’ll just grow up to hate me, for being too domineering or not paying it enough attention.

I found out for definite yesterday, not completely trusting the test from Thursday. Or last Sunday. Or the sense of just knowing with absolute certainty for the past fortnight. I’ve never really been one to follow my intuition before, but this time it refused to be ignored.

So here I am, an undetermined number of weeks in, and I’m not really sure where to start. There seems to be so much to do, so much to plan and organise. I feel like I’m going to blink and the baby will be here, and nothing will be done.